First and Amistad

If my pc were to go any slower, it would simply stop. And surely my head would pop. No rhyme intended. Just had to get that out.

Hopefully you're all doing well and enjoying. Doesn't really matter 'what' does it? Just enjoying. Yep, your happiness tip from the Queen of Happy over here. Ironic, no?

So let's see - what's been going on here. Found a kitten at the side of the road, far from anything - dumped. Brought him home and fed the poor thing and got him to the vet. I'm taking more pics tomorrow so maybe I'll post one... he's adorable. I'd like to find him a quality home. I'm out because he'll get underfoot and trip gram. Not cool.

Work is work. A vast array of double standards greet me at the door daily. Oh well. I'm there til I leave. My choice, unless we're talking layoffs. One thing I can say is that I know why I like working with men better. Women should just have knives instead of fingers to stab you in the back better. Not all are like that but I've noticed that when they get in a group, they are. It's just like watching Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom without narration. And the scenery.

Last week I went to my doc (one, anyway) and ended up being alone with one other patient and her young kids. The doc has no receptionist and just calls you in order. So this woman has fallen so far asleep that I'm watching her respirations becoming very slow and shallow. I tried to rouse her and she would only partially come aware then pass out. As I decided it was time for me to get the doc, she wen't into a full blown seizure. The kids stayed, one at each side for the moment it took for me to come back with the doc. We got her stabilized and he went back to his current appt, me staying to talk with her and keep her engaged. Of course I let her go first. That was one hell of adrenaline jolt and even after spend 5+ hours in his office, I was awake for hours that night. I often bitch that nothing goes easy for me but in this case, I'm glad I was there that long or that retelling may have had a very different ending.

There's a possibility that I may be up for a minimum of one procedure or even another surgery. Grand. And that's just in one category. (TMI alert ahead) Today is day # 32 of my period. 32. Straight. Cramps and PMS fluctuating, exhaustion aplenty. 32 is wrong. My body will no longer cooperate. Even when they give it drugs to force it into cooperation. Lol - stubborn through and through, that's me! I will do what I want when I want. I used to think that was all in the mental realm but we've crossed over to the physical being as well. Interesting in a way. Even my uterus is stubborn, hmmm. Then in a week and a half or something I have a referral to a cardiologist. I sort of want to cancel. They've done the CT scan, labwork, urinalysis, nuclear stress test and all are normal. Except the fact that they 'found something' on my lung which they want to recheck in 5 months. Whatever it is, it already is. Plus, they said it was not the cause of my chest pain/pressure and difficulty/pain on inspiration. Annnd. It's been just over a month since my first visit and I haven't fallen over blue. Of course the problem still exists. The cardiologist will want to order more tests, I'm sure. Most of my time before work is spent at Physical Therapy for my shoulder. Not really sure when I am supposed to fit all of this in. Plus add to it that my mental state is causing me to be rather indifferent to death.

But be proud, I made myself (yes, it felt like a chore) accept a 'dinner on the grill' invitation from some friends. Also made myself dress... in a dress! Cute rockabilly number, actually. And also went to my aunt's for a cookout today. Where I only got my ass grabbed once by my cousin's husband. *sigh* So is this progress?

So I blurted out some of the basics. You get the idea that I'm all over the board. But all that crap is out of the way now and there you have it. I've always been honest here and I suppose stopping now is just pointless.

And now, off to bed!
~

I'm supposing this will do as some sort of 'proof', no?

Kitty is suspicious. She thinks I may be dead or something. To be honest, I feel not too far off.

There was a time not so long ago that I would get on this box here and and just vent like hell. But every time I try to say something, I can't. I have failed drafts. They failed not because they weren't grammatically correct or brimming with pleasing prose - please. When did I ever worry about that? They failed because I'd end up hanging my head and quietly shut down the program.

I'm worn out. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I don't want to be me anymore and I'm struggling to maintain and not get lost in the possibilities. My health is kinda screwed but it typically is. Just facing some new stuff, that's all. My opportunity for an 'out' of my current position into a new one in my department has been slashed and is still lying at my feet taking its last breaths. I didn't do anything wrong - they chose me. Another pharmacist quit and this is just part of the trickle down effect. I used to be Eleventh Hour Girl. Lately I feel like Circumstantial Girl. Not a fan.

Seems the sobbing fits that take me down very dark roads in my mind are easier to find than this pc. I figure nobody wants to hear some other case of drama when everyone has their own these days. And I've lost the humor, so that really would make it a downer. I'm just pulling away into my own little world. Too much in my head.

Don't get me wrong, I miss your collective little worlds. I'll work on putting up a post. It may be brief but if I want to keep negativity out of it, that's my only option for the moment. I'm working on changing it but there is much I have no control over. Nonetheless, I'll work on a post.

Until then - the Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup tonight. Yay.

My typing has never been stellar, but I'm pretty sure dead people's is even worse. More proof.

So really, its not that I'm actually dead or anything.

There are just those times that life gets weird and busy. This is one of those times. I have so much going on that I can't imagine remembering even half of it just to give you an idea. And the kicker is that most of it really isn't important. I mean it is, but it isn't, right?

I've been wanting to get on here and do more than shop for a cell phone or search for an ebay gem, but I can't. First, my pc is moving like Arte Johnson. If you don't get that reference, it is just really freakin' slow. I did join the gym like I'd wanted to do and make myself go, even when I'm tired or don't feel well. Which is most of the time, really - and what do you know... it hasn't killed me yet! Although tonight I came quite close. I was watching hockey and the Pens got a goal. Don't ever let go of the bars on a treadmill to pump your fists in the air shouting a 'woohoo' because it will not end well. See, you do learn something new every day.

I shall leave you with that thought. As I always promise, I'll try to come visiting within the next three days or so. I have so little time right now. Things are a bit out of control, some is my doing and some is just life. Although tired, I'm ok with it, but I do miss some of my normal activities that I found enjoyment in - like visiting you all. It'll get back. Hey, if I could actually pass up donuts and muffins today in lieu of half an apple, I can do any damned thing I set my sights on. =)

Because when I arrive, I bring the fire....

I'm pretty much as annoyed by that song as I find myself enjoying it. Pick the pace up and then we can 'let it rock'. Could be a nice dance-house/acid-house/techno bit. But it is just too slow. And the goofy spoken rap thing is just lame. And yet I listen for a minute before I turn the station....

Anyway. Lately, lots really. I'm asserting myself at work, even if the boss doesn't go for the ideas. At least he knows that I do give a shit about that place, even though I deny it most days. Right now everyone hates everyone else. Seriously. I have to try to fix it or leave. Simple.

There was a fundraiser for the shelter (feline) that my mom (and sometimes I) volunteer at. I got the most fundraiser sales plus cash donations and physical donations. I was told I could sell a freezer to an Eskimo. Funny thing is my opening line was, "So, who wants to buy some over-priced fundraiser cookies?"

I've been keeping up with the gym and enjoying it. I wish I could spend more time there but at 9 or 9:30p, you kind of just don't want to linger, you know? And the one trainer is a trip so he and I laugh like kids when we're there together.

Best of all, I've been shopping like a madwoman. Yes, I know I hate shopping, but not at the moment. And I don't think it's mania. I think I've lost myself in so many ways that I feel like I have nothing to define myself by, save my music. So I've shopped. And when all else falls away I will know I am me by my goth/rockabilly/pinup style. I want to be the girl that wears her rockabilly tulle dress with satin sash simply to shop for groceries. That way, I'll know it's me.

Remember my little surgery from a couple of months ago? Well, we might be having more of a problem. 'We' meaning my ovaries and I. The next few days will tell my course of action as far as a doc appt goes.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm utterly psychotic and unpredictable? Yesterday I did a u-turn in the middle of the road, slammed my car to a halt about 4" from the plate glass window of a store and got out screaming obscenities at my mother. Hey, she started it. Well, she did. We'll speak eventually. Of course this may have something to do with above topic.

Although it is just after midnight and I have yet to turn into a pumpkin, squash or gourd, I shall take my leave. Rest is required. After all, when I arrive, I bring the fire.

Be well xoxo

I never thought that going out in a blaze of glory meant almost getting arrested in WalMart optical.

But, when we're referring to me, anything is possible. Lets just say that any time I need to go to that store, I'll surely need to enter and exit from the far side lest Optical call security. It was ugly but this is the one thing I will say. When I walked in my lenses were fine, two minutes later they weren't. You utterly fucked them up and rendered them useless. And then. Then you had the nerve to tell me they were fine. As if you all agreed, I'd just cave in and agree too. Gee. The Emperor has no fucking clothes. My ass.

During my far-stretching excursions to remedy the above situation, which is hugely important - I'm blind as a bat with no echolocation, I almost get myself killed due to my car inexplicably stalling, crosswise, in the middle of two lanes. Thankfully I got going before the van hit me. He wasn't slowing down. These bastards are as mean as I am.

Enter a medical situation that was to be remedied with recent surgery. Whoomp! Descends on me like an 87-pound earthbound cloud. Apparently the surgery was not an immense success? So back to square 1.13; at least the pathology was clear, so that doesn't suck.

So what does this mean? The natives are restless my friend. Very fucking restless. When I get this restless I make decisions like a cobra strikes - quick, and does it ever pack a punch. Often, not the best ones, too. I'll just take off, catch an overpriced hockey game, cut/dye my hair, buy clothes with lots of metal on them. You know, kind of symbolic of the mental/emotional bondage I've got going on. Or I could just blow someone for a ticket. What's the big deal? Apparently I'm trying to disassociate while putting up some sort of fuss to delay it.

Damn it! Checked prices and don't think I can afford hockey. And I'm NOT doing anything more than blowing anyone for a ticket. But I do like hockey...

If only things had worked out differently in WalMart optical. Dude, my wires are seriously crossed.

Sometimes the urge to just sign out for a while is rather compelling.

And by 'sign out' I mean ignore all forms of communication (except B-grade movies and forgotten sitcoms of the early 80s), no talking to anyone (detox), eventually subsisting on condiments and dry cat food only changing clothes if the need absolutely arises. Showers don't even enter the equation.

It is no surprise to me that it is March and I feel this way. Beware the Ides of March to be sure. You'll want to fucking kill yourself by that time if you've been fortunate (and I use the term loosely) to make it this far. Well, either kill yourself or everyone else. Some of us aren't too particular. Lack of sunlight? Freezing temps? Winds of the ages? My guess is they all combine to be a giant pain in my ass. And yeah, perhaps a few others here in this portion of the hemisphere.

But screw them, I've just spent the past two days puking into various receptacles, public and non, yet have been fed the misinformation that the cold weather kills the viruses. Well, it surely didn't kill that little muthafucker now, did it?! I won't even begin to talk to you about my dining room floor.

So is it the weather? Being ill? General unhappiness with [enter topic here] in my life? Or is it just that I feel like my grip, however slight at times, is fading? Its as if the things I used to fight for are all falling by the wayside and I'm not even sure how much I care. Maybe after a full on cease-fire with the vomiting and some sunshine I could have a chance at answering that.

Michael Vincent is either the second coming or will need the help of the witness protection program.

Perhaps you aren't familiar with Michael Vincent but I suppose I'd have to say he and I are fairly close. Not to brag or anything; he emails me at least once a day if not more. And he knows things. Every day he emails me to say he's found me a new job. Huh. Without even asking, he just took it upon himself. How did he even know that I was considering it?? Creepy...

Ok, so I'm just referring to some irritating spam. But the thing is this: I am thisclose to taking him up on his offer. I'm to the point that I have to sedate myself again just to get through a shift. With that in mind, this job he claims to have had better be one found via divine intervention or if not, he'll want to seek protection. After all, I can find shit-ass jobs without anyone's help, thankyouverymuch.

I've been thinking about this. Yes, yes, I'm sure that comes as a shock. But when I boil it all down, there are just a few things core thing that are making me the poster child for How To Violently Self-Destruct in Three Easy Steps (dismembered action figure sold separately). Here they are in no special order. I'm being given too much responsibility without the tools I need to carry it out and coworkers that resist everything. It is a hostile environment with management that would rather not be bothered with anything less than a meeting with the CEO. Ok, so maybe just two main things, but they encompass alot.

I don't want to leave just to walk into something similar (I have a way of picking this scenario) but I'm not sure what to do or how to go about it. What do you think? Career change? Ideas? School? I'm just lost right now. I should know this answer but I don't. Unfortunately, I don't think Mr. Vincent does, either.